How to be kinder to yourself and cultivate self compassion in your daily life

The idea of being compassionate towards ourselves can feel improbable if not impossible. We all know that we should probably be kinder to ourselves but it can be a struggle to actually put this into practice and embrace self compassion in our daily lives. This is especially true when we are in the middle of struggle, or when the world feels heavy.

Before I go on to talk about developing more self compassion, it feels important to say that even having the space and time to invest in wellbeing practices is a privilege. For many people, structural inequalities and not having basic needs met, like the need for safety, food, adequate housing etc mean that all of the self compassion in the world won’t change much. That’s not to say changing the way you respond can’t change the way you experience life, even in times of struggle. There is a famous quote by Viktor Frankl, a psychologist and holocaust survivor that says ““Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”. For many people, though, accessing this space can feel impossible. I would like to talk about this more soon.

For now, let’s explore self compassion practices. I talk a lot about the idea of ‘practice making progress’ and this is something that applies to self compassion too. Our brains are magical and neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to develop new ways of responding to things, means that self love and self compassion is something that you can develop.

Practice makes progress: developing more compassion for yourself in your day to day life

Let's explore this idea and look at some strategies to cultivate more self compassion. Before I share them, I’m going to gently point out that trying to implement all of the strategies below at once isn’t really in the spirit of self compassion. We’re not looking for perfectionism here! Instead, I’d invite you to be really gentle with yourself and try one strategy at a time and see what you notice.

So what even is self compassion? Self compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three core components:

Self-kindness vs. self-judgement
Connection with others vs. isolation
Mindfulness vs. over-identification (which could also be framed as over-thinking)

How to connect with self-kindness instead of self-judgement

Start by paying close attention to how you talk to yourself. Are you constantly self-critical, using harsh language, or engaging in negative self-talk? What does the voice in your head (if you experience an inner narrative; not everyone does!) have to say?

When you start to notice the thoughts that you have about yourself, start to make a note of them. This could be a mental note, or you could write them in a self compassion journal.

Each time you notice you’re being self critical, imagine speaking to someone you love the way you’re speaking to yourself. How does this change the way you speak to or think about yourself?

Reframing your inner dialogue to connect with self compassion

Once you've identified your negative self-talk patterns, you can start to gently challenge and reframe them. Again, think about how you’d speak to a loved one in similar circumstances. For example, if you break something, instead of saying "I'm so clumsy," say, "accidents happen, and I didn't do this on purpose." Reframing your self-talk can make a world of difference in your self-compassion journey.

Let's look at a more detailed example with the thought “I talk too much” or “I over share information”. How could we reframe this thought? Here are some suggestions:

I'm a great conversationalist: embrace your gift of conversation by seeing it as a valuable skill. You're excellent at keeping discussions engaging.
I share my enthusiasm: Instead of talking too much, see yourself as someone who passionately shares ideas, experiences, and interests.
I express my thoughts effectively: Rather than talking too much, view yourself as someone who can express their thoughts and feelings effectively, making it easier for others to understand you.

Connecting with with others vs. isolating yourself as a tool for self compassion

It’s important to remember that self compassion doesn’t need to be a solo endeavour. In times of struggle, being around other people can help you to feel more grounded. Our brains and nervous systems are amazing and they respond to the brains and nervous systems of the people around us, so even just spending time with someone else who’s feeling calm can help us to feel calmer.

It can also really help to talk to someone who can empathetically listen and validate your experience. If you don’t have access to this kind of support, there are some suggestions for resources for health and wellbeing support here. You could also consider counselling. I have a post here about how to find a counsellor and you can get in touch if you’d like to work with me.

If you are planning to talk to a friend, it always helps to be clear about what you need. For example you might explain that you’re just looking for someone to listen rather than offer advice. Sometimes we just need a space to be heard and to have our feelings acknowledged.

Cultivating mindfulness as a tool for self compassion

Kristen Neff’s self compassion break is a really great tool when you need to mindfully connect with and explore your experience during challenging or distressing moments.

The exercise involves three key steps:

Recognising that you’re suffering: the first step is to acknowledge and validate your experience. This means allowing yourself to be aware of your emotional pain or discomfort. This can feel hard, but connecting with your feelings in the moment can help you to process them.

Common humanity: in this step, you remind yourself that suffering is a part of the human condition. You are not alone in your pain. We all experience difficulties, setbacks, and suffering at various points in our lives. Recognising this can help you to feel less isolated in your suffering.

Self kindness: the final step involves being kind and compassionate toward yourself. This could look like gentle and soothing self-talk, self-soothing gestures, or simply acknowledging your own need for comfort and support.

The self-compassion break is a practical tool for responding to challenging situations with greater self-compassion and understanding. It can help you navigate difficult moments, reduce self-criticism, and promote a more supportive and compassionate relationship with yourself. Head to Kristen Neff’s site for an example of how this can work in practice.

Some final thoughts on self compassion and self kindness

I hope this post has given some useful suggestions about how you might connect with more self compassion. There is so much more that I’d like to share about this topic so I’ll be back soon with a part 2, along with a guided meditation to support you. For now, check out this free loving kindness meditation.

Thanks for being here. Be kind to yourself!